Guilt

I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and regret the amount of porn videos I’ve downloaded, the many erotic stories I’ve read, the images that stuck in my mind forever. My id comes down on me with a baseball bat and says I could be spending my time in better ways: writing a novel, meditating, learning useful things. Porn is useless. Porn is a fantasy. Why do I escape to porn?

Porn is my addiction – like coffee or cigarettes. I can go for a while without it but I always come back. Sometimes I think it’s the bottom of the barrel, and sometimes I think it’s fine as long as the two (or more) adults enjoy what they are doing.

I woke up today around 5am and had these thoughts. Considered deleting this blog and anything porn-related from my hard drive. Considered a fresh start (like the few I’ve had before, unsuccessfully). I always come back, like I said.

If I’m to be here, then let me use this space for some inner investigation. Let me explore what these images mean, why they stick to me so easily.

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