I’m ruled by the moon. This has become obvious to me as I observe the rise and waning of my lust, my interest in the men that cross my path. On days like today, with London’s sky overcast and a cold drizzle following the wind, it’s hard to wish for anything other than my warm apartment, a cup of tea and a CD in the stereo. It’s hard to wish for anyone but my boyfriend.
This division I feel inside: this love for my boyfriend, but also a lust for anonymous men… I have to get to the bottom of it. I have to understand why so many gay men feel the same as me; what is it about us that makes a monogamous life so hard to follow. I have friends who think I would never cheat on my boyfriend, or vice-versa – that we are the perfect gay couple. I sometimes daydream of shattering their presumptions by putting on display what I really think when a fit blonde guy walks past me.
Why is it so hard to be 100% genuine, true to yourself? Our culture tells us that we should always aim for honesty, but I find myself being dishonest throughout my day… and wondering how honest everyone else is. Strangely enough, I still believe my boyfriend wouldn’t cheat on me — this is probably the reason why I’ve never been to a gay sauna or followed a stranger home: I hold on to the belief that our relationship is founded on true love.
But then, on strange full moon days, I find myself pulling out my cock at a public toilet…